For most of last week and the weekend I was fortunate enough to be able to hang out with my "crush". During this time I noticed something quite disturbing about myself. For some reason, I doubt myself around females that I really like. I have a tendency to clam up and become distant around them. Example? When in a room full of my friends I am usually quite the entertainer. I enjoy making people laugh and being near the center of attention. If you add a girl I'm interested in to that very same room the equation becomes quite different. Suddenly I'm sitting in the corner of the room reading a magazine and pretending to be bored. Needless to say, this weekend wasn't very much fun due to my inability to be myself around her. Basically most of the week went this way. Either I'd avoid her or when we did have interaction of any kind I'd find a reason to leave her as soon as possible. I don't really understand what my problem is. Obviously I have rejection issues. I'm afraid to show interest because it sets me up to be hurt. I don't want to be this way anymore but I don't know how to to change. One day last week I told myself that I wasn't going to be distant and retarded towards her. I decided that I was going to be upbeat and fun just like I am around everyone else. Well, as soon as she came into my vicinity I resorted to being distant and bailing out first chance I got. *sigh* I just don't know what to do. I'm tired of sabotaging myself but I don't know what to do to change things.
I'll be seeing her again on the 4th of July and I don't want a repeat of a repeat performance. Anyone have any suggestions?